In a recent blog post on LydiaForson.com titled ‘Self, Lies And Marriage’, Ghanaian actress Lydia Forson shared her thoughts of marriage, still insisting it’s not meant for everyone. She also admitted that sitting through wedding ceremonies always felt like a death sentence than a celebration.
“Marriage. It’s probably the most dissected, overly analysed and probably ha, let’s just say the theories, experts etc are endless.
Even my views on it is ever evolving and at each stage in my life I’ve looked back at what I thought before and been glad that I hadn’t entered into the union yet. Now before you jump my neck and assume this means I never want to marry, relax ; if anything at all the failed marriages and drama I’ve witnessed have solidified my personal views on the institution.
And when/ if I finally make that jump I’m more than determined to get it right. Because I really do believe that it’s possible to have that fairytale marriage we see in movies, after all, “no be human mind wey e come from?”.
So why the constant “marriage is no joke oh”, people tend to say all the time. It’s why I hate weddings, note I said weddings and not marriage; big difference. Each time I’ve sat through a ceremony it’s felt like a death sentence than a celebration. And don’t get me started on the advise the “experts” ( usually these are presumably the veterans in the game) give.
It’s always so depressing, like you’re giving your whole life up to embark on an eternal journey of unhappiness.
Be honest a lot of you have felt the same way, I’m just echoing your thoughts.
You can’t do this and that when you marry, you can’t dress like that, you can’t go there, you’re expect to behave in a certain way ; suddenly you become a new person, a “married person”. So wait a minute, I sign a piece of paper then suddenly everything I am, and have become over the years most automatically change according to who?
If so, why are we doing it in the first place? Why just give ourselves such a miserable life sentence? And why are so many willing to jump into or push others to? Is it because of the stupid assumption that “it’s a right of passage,something you must do?”
Is it why I hear hear too many people trying to get it over an done it, like it’s one more thing to check off your list.
That’s why the phrase “settle down” shouldn’t be associated with marriage at all.
What are you settling for? Why are you having to settle for anything? Why do you have to take copper instead of gold because there’s a supposed time limit on the search. Why must you stop though? For who’s benefit? Yours, your partners or societies?
Why can’t you just decide to be with someone because they’re who you want to chase gold with, or who likes gold as much as you so wants to chase it with you, or who you’re going to help chase diamond so they help you chase gold. Why can’t it be as simple as that?
And thats the genesis of nearly all the failed marriages we have today. First of we need to understand and accept that marriage isn’t for everyone, and it’s ok. You’re not diseased, cursed or abnormal. You’re just “unmarried”. And neither are children.
You’re not lacking of emotions, and your womanhood/ manhood shouldn’t be dependent on it.
Matter of fact with the number terrible spouses and parents, surely that should say something.
But admitting that would certainly kill of business for prophets, juju men, wedding vendors and a host of people who profit from the weddings and careless about the marriage itself.
Marriage isn’t and shouldn’t be for everyone. It’s like a doctor who becomes one merely because he is qualified and good at it, he’s only going to do what’s within his scope but won’t have the desire to try to solve an incurable disease, why because he’s just not that into it. Get it?
Too many people who have no desire to spend the rest of their life with anyone are being forced to because of the fear of being “left out” or deemed a societal misfit. But you see each time someone marries the wrong person, it’s a ripple effect that runs through a whole bunch of people. And that’s a whole bunch of potential happy homes you’ve messed up.
So do us all a favour and stay single, so those who’re really supposed to be paired up make it happen.
Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about you the “experts” who’re so determined to ruin marriage for everyone because of your poor decisions.
You think we don’t know what’s really going on here?
Let’s see, you’re unhappy because you rushed into something you were totally unprepared for and with someone who probably wasn’t meant for you. You’re depressed, trapped and dread the idea of going home sometimes.
Yep, we know it’s not because of traffic you sit at the bar everyday after work, and we know for sure its not because of the children you don’t have a sex life.
The truth is, too many people are unhappy in their marriages and lives in general because they haven’t looked in the mirror and had an honest conversation with themselves.
How are you going to know who you’re compatible with or who’s right for you when you don’t even know who you are; and if you do, are not honest with yourself about it. Now I’m no relationship expert, far from it, matter of fact I’m probably the last person you should take relationship advise from. But one thing I know for sure is who I am and what I want and I’ll be damned if I change to fit into some ridiculous bubble.
I wasn’t always like this,believe me. I’ve been the pretentious “good girl” before( or society’s idea of what that means.)
I’ve done the, I hate the way his head looks or how he chews but I’ll suck it up because that’s not supposed to be a big deal ,girl.
I’ve been the, I want a lot of children because that’s what men like to hear a girl say, even though I probably only want one or two.
I’ve been the, he treats me poorly and abuses me emotionally and psychologically but I’m just glad to have a man so I won’t complain, girl.
I’ve been the I’m going to stay with him because “everyone” thinks he’s such a great catch, and have no real connection with him, but I’m sure I will see what the rest do eventually, girl.
Heck I’ve even been the I’ll pretend to like your sloppy kisses however grossed out they make me but I like you so I’ll over look it ,girl.
Yep,I’ve been all those girls until I found; lightbulb, MYSELF.
We mould ourselves to fit into whatever type of man or woman our partners want because thats what society ( and that’s half of you people reading this) expects us to do.
We’re so busy looking for partners we forget that what we should be looking for is happiness.
But how do you search for happiness when you don’t even know what it means to you. You’re stuck in a dead end job because it’s the career every one thought you should pursue.
Your whole identity has been built on what others think and expect that you have no true sense of self.
Everything we are, right down to our associations, and the way we dress is because of others and not us.
So many of us are not living our truths and are living lives that are in no way a reflection of who we truly are or strive to be.
And this pretentiousness is in all aspects of our lives.
So no wonder they’re so many people unhappy, and they carry their unhappiness into something called marriage to further make the world an depressing place for everyone around them,including the children they have.
And start owning who you are.
Admit to yourself that monogamy is probably not for you, and find someone who’s equally willing to be in a non – monogamous relationship with you. ( believe me there’s a whole line of crazy people aligned with your beliefs waiting.)
Admit that you actually don’t want children, and the thought of having to take care of one not only frightens you but puts you off. Better than having and abusing them like some many closeted abusers do.
Admit that you’re not a domestic person and can’t handle cooking for your partner let alone maintaining a whole household.
Admit that you want to marry a rich man/ woman because financial security means more to you than anything. Trust me there are people who are out there looking for people willing to receive as much as they’re willing to give.
Admit that you want a housewife and not a career driven woman, who doesn’t need to depend on you.
Admit that you don’t want in-laws and hope they’re already gone by the time you come in, but if they’re around aren’t people too interested in you and your oartner( yes it may be insensitive but it is what you inwardly desire but are too ashamed to admit)
If religion is important to you, admit it.
If looks are important, admit it.
Even with the sex admit that you like a little S&M ,bondage or have your salad tossed; than pretend to like vanilla sex with your “spouse”, but let the animalistic side out with someone else. Like so many men do, “oh I can’t do that with my wife oh” , why.
But we don’t admit any of this because we’re so hell bent on being the “ideal” married couple, that even when the ideal isn’t working we stick it through.
But there’s nothing like an ideal marriage, because there are different strokes for different folks. What works for this couple won’t necessarily work for another.
When you know yourself and what you want, then you can begin to make decisions like who you want to marry and the kind of relationship you want to have.
I know the kind of man I want down to how I want the kisses on my forehead. And he may or may not be out there, but that’s only a part of my life and not the whole. So I won’t “settle” just to get in line.
By owning my truth, I’ve eliminated nearly all chances(there’s always an exception) of locking myself in situation I can’t get out of. I can immediately tell when it’s not going to work, and don’t have to stick around to see how it goes.
Now this isn’t the solution to all the failed marriages out there, like I said I’m no expert, but it most definitely eliminates a whole lot of potentially bad prospects and saves a lot of people the emotional trauma associated with it.
More than anything in this world, your sole purpose should be to find happiness and fulfillment.
Focus on that.